In keeping with the last post, I was thinking about whose behavior is the worst when traveling.
People like to call Americans loud and obnoxious, but after years of observation, I've decided this: We ARE loud, but not nearly as obnoxious as we get branded. And compared to the award-winning country, we are QUITE well-behaved.
(An aside - A friend of mine who works in a restaurant said "I don't know why everyone talks about the Americans badly. They are always polite and never run out on their check, not like those fucking Canadians.")
No, it's another English-speaking people...namely THE English. I have never seen such idiocy in my life. The problem is, the pound is stronger than the euro, so they all come down here for a nice cheap weekend away to celebrate bachelor parties and "hen" weekends. I don't think I have gone a single weekend without seeing an English person falling, being pushed, or jumping in the canal.
They drink and drink and drink, then get stoned, and throw up all over the streets. I've called an ambulance once for an Italian, once for someone of unknown origin, and three times for the English.
Once an English drinker/stoner was so messed up that he passed out while standing and cracked his skull on my doorstep. Good times.
They seem to get terrible beer muscles and are always looking for a fight. Particularly when there is a football (soccer) match against the Dutch. Win or lose, it's always "knokken."
They have no shame when it comes to dressing bachelors in drag, or giving brides-to-be hats made out of condoms to wear while they cackle around Amsterdam. Shaving cream and face paints are favorites too.
British women don't seem to know when they are fat, so they always dress as though they are thin. They aren't. Let me explain something. There are big boobs, and there are fat boobs. There is only one kind that people want to see hanging out of a tube top. If you find yourself tucking a fat roll into your pants because it keeps oozing up over your waistband, don't put on a tube top. You're not fooling anyone. Those are fat boobs. And stop smoking, for Christ's sake. It looks sleazy, and it sure isn't helping you lose weight.
It reminds me of this:
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when
abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
So congratulations, Brits! You make us look good!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
Ugly Like Me
One of the impressions that the Dutch - if not all Europeans - have of Americans is that we are insincere.
At first, this struck me as odd. I find Americans much "warmer" and touchy-feely than the Dutch. I think we are more expressive, talkative and friendlier.
Then it hit me. That's what makes us so insincere. Think about it. We say "how are you?" whenever we see someone, and expect "fine, how are YOU?" instead of a litany of their woes. It's become more of a rhetorical question to us, but to people for whom English is a second language, it seems like we really DON'T care how they are unless it's "fine."
Also, we exaggerate like crazy. Think of all the hyperbole we use every day. We're always saying things like "This is the best ice cream EVER!" and "I HATE when that happens!" and "Those are the prettiest flowers I've ever seen" and "I literally had a heart attack" (no you didn't. You figuratively had a heart attack, but that's another rant.)
Not to mention we say things to soften the blow and be polite, whereas Dutch people would simply tell the truth. If you ask an American friend if you look fat in your outfit, she'll say something like "I don't know. Turn around... Well, maybe it's not the best color on you. I think you look fine, but maybe you should change if you don't feel comfortable." Ask a Dutch friend the same question and she'll say "Yes. Wear something else."
How many times have you said something like "Oh, we should get together for lunch every week," or "we should do this again sometime," or "I'll call you" and then actually followed through? Dutch people would think of that as your having lied to them. They would never say any of those things unless they were planning on putting it in their schedule.
So the bottom line is that we think we are being nice, but everyone else thinks we're just a bunch of lying drama queens. I kinda think we're both.
At first, this struck me as odd. I find Americans much "warmer" and touchy-feely than the Dutch. I think we are more expressive, talkative and friendlier.
Then it hit me. That's what makes us so insincere. Think about it. We say "how are you?" whenever we see someone, and expect "fine, how are YOU?" instead of a litany of their woes. It's become more of a rhetorical question to us, but to people for whom English is a second language, it seems like we really DON'T care how they are unless it's "fine."
Also, we exaggerate like crazy. Think of all the hyperbole we use every day. We're always saying things like "This is the best ice cream EVER!" and "I HATE when that happens!" and "Those are the prettiest flowers I've ever seen" and "I literally had a heart attack" (no you didn't. You figuratively had a heart attack, but that's another rant.)
Not to mention we say things to soften the blow and be polite, whereas Dutch people would simply tell the truth. If you ask an American friend if you look fat in your outfit, she'll say something like "I don't know. Turn around... Well, maybe it's not the best color on you. I think you look fine, but maybe you should change if you don't feel comfortable." Ask a Dutch friend the same question and she'll say "Yes. Wear something else."
How many times have you said something like "Oh, we should get together for lunch every week," or "we should do this again sometime," or "I'll call you" and then actually followed through? Dutch people would think of that as your having lied to them. They would never say any of those things unless they were planning on putting it in their schedule.
So the bottom line is that we think we are being nice, but everyone else thinks we're just a bunch of lying drama queens. I kinda think we're both.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
White Trash Christening
So I saw a headline I just HAD to click on. This was it: Jamie Lynn Spears Takes Daughter Maddie to Local Wal-Mart. (Usmagazine.com)
No! She didn't! The hell, you say!
The 17-year-old Skank o'the Month apparently engaged in a time-honored white trash tradition...dressing like a 'ho and taking the brood to Wal-Mart. Big fucking deal. This is news?
No one even told us what she bought or if anything exciting happened, like the baby spitting up or fussing in Housewares. Did she have to change a diaper in the *gasp* Wal-Mart bathroom?
Please, let's give this little girl the pat on the back she deserves by reporting her every move like it is of national importance. By the way, she ain't even a celebrity. She's the SISTER of one. She tried the celeb thing, but just couldn't stay away from the pipe-laying boyfriend (no, seriously, he is). Don't they sell condoms at Wal-Mart?
Fortunately, JLS will never have to fear going without for the sake of her child, or trying to figure out which milk WIC will cover, or how to stretch out the pennies in the coin jar. And of course, everyone will applaud her every move, agog.
Remember girls, teen pregnancy is cool and makes you popular. Everyone will admire you and write articles about your every move while you hold that precious little bundle who'll love you forever, just like your boyfriend. Everyone just LOVES a teen mom!
No! She didn't! The hell, you say!
The 17-year-old Skank o'the Month apparently engaged in a time-honored white trash tradition...dressing like a 'ho and taking the brood to Wal-Mart. Big fucking deal. This is news?
No one even told us what she bought or if anything exciting happened, like the baby spitting up or fussing in Housewares. Did she have to change a diaper in the *gasp* Wal-Mart bathroom?
Please, let's give this little girl the pat on the back she deserves by reporting her every move like it is of national importance. By the way, she ain't even a celebrity. She's the SISTER of one. She tried the celeb thing, but just couldn't stay away from the pipe-laying boyfriend (no, seriously, he is). Don't they sell condoms at Wal-Mart?
Fortunately, JLS will never have to fear going without for the sake of her child, or trying to figure out which milk WIC will cover, or how to stretch out the pennies in the coin jar. And of course, everyone will applaud her every move, agog.
Remember girls, teen pregnancy is cool and makes you popular. Everyone will admire you and write articles about your every move while you hold that precious little bundle who'll love you forever, just like your boyfriend. Everyone just LOVES a teen mom!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Dutch chickens
So our new house has a bird coop out back. The current owner breeds exotic birds, and the coop won't fit at his new house, so he asked if he should leave it rather than demo it. It's really quite nicely built. D and I have discussed what we should do with it, and D said, all excited "We can get chickens!" WTF?! Who wants chickens?
He argued that it would be fun for the kids, and "we'd always have eggs," and insisted that this is something normal Dutch people have been known to do; even in the city.
I argued that they are dirty, noisy and I'm American. Plus, I had a friend who moved to the country and thought it would be fun to have chickens. He ended up with so many eggs that he would leave them at his neighbors' doors, ring the bell and run.
So, no. No chickens.
I showed pictures of the new house to a friend - another young dad. He asked about the coop and I told him the story of why it was staying.
"Cool," he said, "you can get chickens."
WTF?
He argued that it would be fun for the kids, and "we'd always have eggs," and insisted that this is something normal Dutch people have been known to do; even in the city.
I argued that they are dirty, noisy and I'm American. Plus, I had a friend who moved to the country and thought it would be fun to have chickens. He ended up with so many eggs that he would leave them at his neighbors' doors, ring the bell and run.
So, no. No chickens.
I showed pictures of the new house to a friend - another young dad. He asked about the coop and I told him the story of why it was staying.
"Cool," he said, "you can get chickens."
WTF?
Monday, August 4, 2008
This is how we roll
When I tell people I have a bike with a box in the front - a bakfiets - they can never quite visualize it. This is an Amsterdam minivan. There is a little bench in the box with two seatbelts for your kids. Now I ride with the baby's carseat in front with a child's seat on the rack behind me for V. I have thighs of steel.
We had a graffiti artist make it a little more "us" with a skull and crossbones on the front, flames on the side, and Amsterdam's triple-x shield on the back.
I don't know what I'd do without my bakfiets. It has given me more mobility than a car would and it's free to park. People consider it sort of an Amsterdam yuppie status symbol (no wonder, considering how expensive they are), but it's really a necessity for me. They make much bigger ones with three wheels. It is a common sight here to see tiny Dutch women pushing around 3 or 4 kids in one of these rolling living rooms.
I have actually taken my cat to the vet on this bike with my son's feet on top of the carrier, while I was 7 months pregnant. My partner said if I'd have sent a photo of that to Immigration, they'd have granted me permanent Dutch citizenship.
If I ever find the bastard who stole my first bakfiets, there won't be enough of him left to bury. That's why the Dutch invented bike insurance. Cue Goldmember "Isn't dat vierd?"
We had a graffiti artist make it a little more "us" with a skull and crossbones on the front, flames on the side, and Amsterdam's triple-x shield on the back.
I don't know what I'd do without my bakfiets. It has given me more mobility than a car would and it's free to park. People consider it sort of an Amsterdam yuppie status symbol (no wonder, considering how expensive they are), but it's really a necessity for me. They make much bigger ones with three wheels. It is a common sight here to see tiny Dutch women pushing around 3 or 4 kids in one of these rolling living rooms.
I have actually taken my cat to the vet on this bike with my son's feet on top of the carrier, while I was 7 months pregnant. My partner said if I'd have sent a photo of that to Immigration, they'd have granted me permanent Dutch citizenship.
If I ever find the bastard who stole my first bakfiets, there won't be enough of him left to bury. That's why the Dutch invented bike insurance. Cue Goldmember "Isn't dat vierd?"
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Who started this Freegan thing anyways?
Leave it to Oxford students to take dumpster diving out of the realm of the homeless and turn it into a snotty, we're-better-than-you activity (Actually, I'm surprised it's not Harvard).
Can we get a moratorium on freegan self-importance?
I'm all for getting something for nothing, but I'm gonna draw the line at eating out of a dumpster. Incidentally, don't tell me how bright you are for eating trashed food with your high-end college degree and six-figure salary. Here's a quote I pulled from the Guardian's web site on an article about "freegans:"
"The word freegan is a blend of "free" and "vegan". Devotees of freeganism seek to make a political statement by rescuing edible food and perfectly good household items from supermarket bins and skips respectively.
"Freeganism attracts all sorts — from doctors and lawyers on six-figure incomes to students and families struggling to make ends meet."Freeganism is a proactive movement," says Alf Montagu, a spokesman for UKfreegans. "It's not just about foraging for free food at the back of supermarkets. It's also about giving back with our time to the wider community."
Have we really sunken so low as a society that we need to applaud ourselves for our willingness to sift through dirty diapers, cat litter, and who knows what else in order to get a free meal? I even saw these dump devotees on Oprah.
Go ahead, pick your food out of the trash, but don't pretend that you're making a political statement or that you're saving the world. And for God's sake, don't invite me to dinner.
(This is a little off-topic, but who cares? It's my frigging blog, I'll write what I want.)
Can we get a moratorium on freegan self-importance?
I'm all for getting something for nothing, but I'm gonna draw the line at eating out of a dumpster. Incidentally, don't tell me how bright you are for eating trashed food with your high-end college degree and six-figure salary. Here's a quote I pulled from the Guardian's web site on an article about "freegans:"
"The word freegan is a blend of "free" and "vegan". Devotees of freeganism seek to make a political statement by rescuing edible food and perfectly good household items from supermarket bins and skips respectively.
"Freeganism attracts all sorts — from doctors and lawyers on six-figure incomes to students and families struggling to make ends meet."Freeganism is a proactive movement," says Alf Montagu, a spokesman for UKfreegans. "It's not just about foraging for free food at the back of supermarkets. It's also about giving back with our time to the wider community."
Have we really sunken so low as a society that we need to applaud ourselves for our willingness to sift through dirty diapers, cat litter, and who knows what else in order to get a free meal? I even saw these dump devotees on Oprah.
Go ahead, pick your food out of the trash, but don't pretend that you're making a political statement or that you're saving the world. And for God's sake, don't invite me to dinner.
(This is a little off-topic, but who cares? It's my frigging blog, I'll write what I want.)
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