Shit Wars; Welcome to the neighborhood!

There's always a dog poop freak in the neighborhood.

So I was on my way to my new favorite supermarket at 9:30 on Saturday morning. We didn't have ANY coffee or cream, and it was a cruel and unusual way to start the weekend, so as soon as D was up, I headed out for coffee, so we would be able to speak.

On my way out, D said "Here, take the dog with you," so I did.

We have a small dog - a Maltese - named Yip (spelled "Jip" in Dutch).

There are these cute cottages in our neighborhood on the way to the store, and I like to walk by them because they are so picturesque. They are retirement homes, so only old (cranky) people live there.

Jip started to sniff a bush in front of one of the houses - on the street in front, mind you - when I heard pounding. There was an old lady pounding on her window yelling "Get that damn dog out of here!"

At first, I didn't think she was talking to me. What does she care if Jip smells a bush on the street. Then he peed there. Like, 5 whole drops. She started screeching like I had thrown acid in her face.

I saw Jip getting ready to poop, and normally I would have moved him to the curb, but I just let him go, since I was going to pick it up anyways.

So this crazy old broad comes out of her house swearing and yelling at me, prompting me to, you guessed it, walk away from the crime scene. I'm not going to be bullied by some geriatric nut job.

Not having the full command of the Dutch language, I didn't' say anything as I walked away shaking my head with her cursing me and yelling the whole time.

I would have picked it up. I really would have. People need to calm down and mind their business.

The best was yet to come, however.

I walked out of the supermarket, and there she was. Yelling at me like a poop-crazed octogenarian. This time I couldn't be quiet.

I said "Geez, if you had just acted normal I would have picked it up. I always have bags with me, see??" I showed her one.

She says "What am I supposed to do, get on my knees and beg?" (What an irritating old @%#&%.)

I say "No, but 'could you please pick that up' would have worked better than 'get that damn dog out of here.' I would have gladly picked it up, you annoying bitch." It just slipped out. I swear.

She said "No, you are." OK, now this is just childish.

I said "Thank you. Now I am going to walk by your house again. I hope he has to poop some more."

I wish my Dutch were better, but that was the best I could do under pressure. And I hadn't had my coffee.

But for real, on my way back, I picked up the crap. And put it on her doorstep. I thought it was only fair. She's lucky I didn't smear it on the doorknob.