Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Of Dikes and Waffles

Stroopwafels are really the only significant Dutch contribution to world cuisine that I'm aware of. Pea soup, mmm. Knobby sausages mashed into potatoes with leeks, yummy. Frikandels - chopped every-part-of-animals and deep fried then shaped like what I imagine an 80-year-old man's naughty bits look like (add a couple croquettes, you get the idea), zalig!

So I am going to the US next week and I am taking a suitcase full of stroopwafels. It's a SMALL suitcase, but still, it's full of friggin' cookies (if you can call a stroopwafel a "cookie"). We have a friend who works in a waffle factory, so he totally hooked us up. It's really the only thing my family wants from Holland.

On another note, I just saw a girl get pushed off the dike by her friends. I thought what a funny expression that would make for a lesbian reverting to dating men:

"Sally is married now? I thought she was a lesbian."
"Yeah, but then she met her husband and he pushed her off the dyke."

Then there are probably men who can push a woman onto the dike too, but that's another story.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Dutch "Spring"

It's freezing but clear and dry in Holland today, which makes it "perfect weather" for a bike ride. Dutch people are so frigging mental. You can NOT convince me that these hardy bastards don't have Viking blood.

D saddled up the kids and dogs and headed to the park in the bakfiets, with F and her friend on rollerblades and a bicycle, respectively. It was our English Bulldog's first time in the bakfiets and she was nervous, apparently she jumped out once they got to the park and chose running alongside instead, followed shortly thereafter by Jip, our Maltese.

I haven't ridden my bakfiets since we moved here in October because M hates it so much, but he's ALMOST big enough now. I miss it like crazy!!

Friday, January 23, 2009

Favorite Colors

I asked V what his favorite color is. Most three-year-olds say stuff like "Green!" or "Blue!"

In case I need any more proof that he is a little different, he said "Orange. No wait. Dark orange."

At least it's the color of Holland.


Fina-fucking-ly, I am going to the US to visit my family. This will be the first time they meet baby M, and everyone is excited.

I can't wait to load my big, fat ass into a big, fat car and go to big, fat stores. Isn't that what America is all about?

I told my mom that I am gaining weight living in suburbs, since I am not riding my bakfiets as much. (That will change soon - M can't sit in a baby seat quite yet, and he HATES the infant seat) She said "Oh, well, we can eat vegetables while you're here." I was like "No way! Who the hell goes to America NOT to eat?" (At least in America, I have serious competition. I might not even qualify as fat there.)

M will fit in the bike seat by the time we get back, and I can use him as resistance while biking. I should just load the bakfiets with bricks. It's been a long winter...

Saturday, January 17, 2009

I knew him. Horatio.

I am depressed and philosophical tonight, and thinking of one of my favorite Latin authors, Horace. It gives me some comfort to think that he sat looking at the same stars that I was looking at tonight, but I wonder if he found any more wisdom in them than I did. It's nice to think they haven't changed much since he wrote about his philosophies. All I know is that it's easier to be 'integer vitae' than 'scelerisque purus.'

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

WTF is wrong here?

I've had two EXCELLENT interviews for jobs here and both have come up empty. I am starting to get discouraged.

And why the f is my blogger post thingy suddenly starting to spellcheck in Dutch?

I am waiting to hear about a temporary assignment job that would be really good, since I need the ducats.

I am tired of getting excited about every opportunity, having everything go great, and then being told I am either overqualified or GET THIS - "not ready" for full time work. The blatant mother discrimination is rampant here. How do they get away with it?

The last interviewer told me that she thought I should think about whether I am "really ready" for full time work away from my children. I'm fucking here, aren't I, bitch? Being away from my kids is immaterial. Color me f-ing pissed.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Someone get a gurney...

I actually had a dream last night that someone made me eat sub-par cheese and forced me to say that it was good. I was choking it down thinking "Oh God, this cheese has such a bad aftertaste."

I've officially jumped off the deep end (of the dike). My nightmares now involve cheese. Deliver me from Holland.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Marijuana Users' Manual

So, here they actually make users' instructions for pot. Here is a nice list of dos and don'ts from a local coffeeshop's packaging:

(Translated from Dutch and shortened a little - don't Dutch people know this shit already?)

1) Use cannabis for pleasure. A joint doesn't solve problems.

2) If you smoke every day, try not to smoke a couple days a week.

3) Cannabis affects concentration, therefore, don't use it at school, work or in traffic.

4) Some kinds of cannabis are stronger than others and have a higher level of THC. An experienced smoker knows precisely when he has had enough and can then stop. If you are smoking for the first time, you don't know how much you can handle. Inform yourself therefore, over what kind you should buy.

5) If you don't have a lot of experience with marijuana, it's a good idea to avoid drinking alcohol at the same time.

6) If you take medication and want to smoke, consult your doctor first. Do not use while pregnant.

7) Don't buy cannabis on the street. Find a bonafide coffeeshop.

8) When smoking cannabis, substances like tar and carbon monoxide are released that can be hazardous to your health.

9) When eating spacecake it is difficult to determine how much cannabis you are taking in. Before you know it, it can be too much. Start with a small piece. It can take from 45 to 90 minutes to take effect. Wait for the effect and don't eat another piece or you will take in too much.

10) Sometimes cannabis can have a bad effect. You can feel sick or nervous. Find a quiet place and eat or drink something sweet. Don't panic. After an hour, the worst is over.

11) Consider that if you mix cannabis with tobacco that you smoke tobacco too. Nicotine is addictive.

12) Don't take cannabis with you when you leave the country.

There you have it folks: the twelve step program to Amsterdam.