Thursday, November 1, 2012

NASA addendum (from Cracked piece)

Let me just say that the final Quick Fix was drastically different than the article I submitted...which was way too long, and got heavily rewritten. I'm bummed my favorite jokes didn't make it in, but oh, well - In the end, I get to be on Cracked again and what is that? Fucking AWESOME, that's what.

Here's one of the entries that they didn't end up using in the final piece. I think this is a pretty cool technology:

6) Activate stem cells in bone marrow transplants. Or sterilize nailpolish.

Nanosilver has a bunch of awesome applications. It's is an outer-space disinfectant - since in spacecraft, you can't be spraying Febreze and Lysol around every time a shuttlemate snots into the communal helmet – but even more amazingly, it helps activate stem cells to accelerate healing and cell regeneration in patients. By inhibiting bacteria growth, it allows better cell regeneration after procedures as complicated as bone marrow and reconstructive surgeries. It actually makes progenitor cells from existing stem cells – meaning that fewer controversial cell-harvesting sources like embryos and cord blood are needed. Is that frigging amazing, or what?

But what if you are desperate to make use of this incredible substance and, tragically, don't need a bone marrow or organ transplant? Head right on down to your local manicurist and bawl your eyes out to her about your misfortune. She'll be using the same grody tools she did on the last nail-fungusy client, while she nods sympathetically and pretends to understand English. That's ok, though, those funky, manky clippers and files are now imbued with nanosilver to keep you from inheriting your predecessor's bacteria. Finish with some nanosilvered nailpolish and you've scratched your itch to get in on the latest NASA technology without even having to learn a thing.

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