Sorry I have been so quiet of late. I got a job. An honest-to-good, out of the house, in the office, non-drug-selling job. Not even a McJob. An editing job - you know, like I used to do BC (before children).
I am still a little stunned to have been hired. They gave me an editing test, then invited me back for an interview. Then they asked me to meet the manager. The manager gave me the "do you have any questions for me?" question about 30 minutes into our conversation. I said "Yes. How do I stand up to the competition?" She says, "Well, I can congratulate you, because you're hired."
I acted all cool, but I am inwardly thinking "WTF?! Can she do that? Now? I'm hired NOW?" Then I though "Fuck, fuck, fuck - the KIDS." I was sitting there all nonchalant while my heart is screaming to me about how I am going to be such a traitor to my children. The guilt washed over me in buckets. I'd wanted the job, but did I want it this badly?
She wants me to start the 14th - as in, in less than two weeks. I calmly told her "no problem." (FUCKFUCKFUCK.)
I am getting the daycare arranged, I am almost there, but I feel like such a bad mother. I'm giving my kids to strangers - all of a sudden - so that I can go to work. They are going to hate me. Not baby M, he's used to daycare already, and the belle of the ball there. It's little Mr. V. He's never known a babysitter in 4 years. I have no family nearby to watch him. He is totally unprepared for this. I am throwing my baby to the wolves.
Everyone says he'll be fine, but I can't shake the guilt. Drop him off early to school, take a bus to Amsterdam Centraal, then a tram, then reverse it and pick him up after dark. How can I do this? On the other hand. How can I NOT do this? It's a great opportunity, and I was chosen from a pool of 200 candidates. Two hundred. They wanted ME. Do you have any idea how good that feels after being nothing but a food source, housekeeper and dog-walker for the last 4 years?
I love the kids, but I've had it. I need something else. But do I need it like this? I understand why working mothers have it so hard. This is heart-wrenching. And the logistics are back-breaking - Bike, bus, tram...pick up from the sitter in the freezing cold on a BIKE, then back to the daycare center to pick up the baby...on a bike. Dinner and tub and bed all before D gets home from work. Can I do this?