Oh. Crap.

How much does a toilet seat cost? Seriously. Like, 10 bucks? 20? 29.99?

Here in Holland, my family has a tragic history of toilet seats. (If my father knew I was talking about this he'd say "Let's elevate the level of conversation, shall we?")

My first Dutch toilet seat had only half a cover. The previous tenants - my friends - split it in half having sex on it. Really. They should have been ashamed, but they weren't.

So, while I was vacationing in the US with my family, D made some decorating changes in the apartment, one of which being a new toilet seat. It was an awesome one - See-through and full of barbed wire. 70 euros. This was before we had kids together and still flush with money, as it were. I was pissed that he spent so much money on it, but it was pretty cool.

A few months later, D's daughter took a flying butt leap onto the can and broke one of the bolt-thingies that held the seat on. We bought hardware and did our best to cobble it together, but it was pretty much up shit's creek.

In our second apartment together, we kept the standard-issue pot cover, but we were itching for a new one. We'd finally tossed the barbed wire one - reluctantly - so papa went out and bought a bright red one on sale. It was the only colorful thing in the depressing little box of a toilet room. And the peasants rejoiced.

When we moved on to toilet-training V (what a joke, by the way. I hate to admit it, but he's 3 and still in diapers) I saw a sweet seat in a flyer with a dual purpose. The lid had a baby-sized seat in it that closed over the adult one. Had to have it.

Well, that one was so great (and expensive) that we brought it with us to our new house. (Who moves toilet seats? Honestly!) We put it in our half-bath downstairs, thinking it would be of best use there.

Well, I'm afraid the reign of the double-assed seat has come to an end. A friend came over with her two little girls who are both in the throes of toilet training and obsessive (like all Dutch people) and they spent almost the entire visit jumping on and off the toilet. They seriously each went about 5 times during a 2-hour visit.

D noticed the next morning that one of the plastic fasteners had snapped, causing the dreaded "side-slide" when you sit.

I'll tell you one thing, folks, when a toilet seat breaks a bolt or a fastening clip, it's like a horse breaking a leg. You can try and patch it up a thousand different ways and nurse it back to health, but it never works, and you end up shooting the poor bastard.

Any suggestions? We're in the market again...